Sick of being stared out by 8 year olds?

Choose mirrored shades! Opponents will soon get bored of looking at themselves on your face, and if they don't, at least they won't see your bloodshot eyes filling with tears.

Also available with mirroring on both sides - for the extra paranoid.

Find yourself confused by real world chess?

That pesky third dimension keeps throwing your preparation?

Try the new Fritz-vision visor. Simply place the visor on your face, look at the board and hey presto you will see the game translated into the glorious 2-D Fritz display we all know and love.

Sandals

Be the envy of your friends with the ultimate in tried and tested comfort footwear.

Watch your opponent despair as he realises you haven't washed your feet for a very long time indeed.

Sandals are scientifically proven to be worth an average 10 minutes on the clock.

Show you mean business with a custom-made chess bullet belt.

Each piece fits snugly into it's own unique elastic loop.

Watch your opponent tremble as he realises he's dealing with a pro!

Also available: chess clock holster

Your opponent can't win if he can't see the board!

Throw his concentration completely with these extra-dazzling pimp rings.

Finish the look with a full set of gold teeth and a diamond-tipped cane. Bring a few body-builders in leather trenchcoats along. Your opponent will probably resign and may even offer you money.

So, you tried getting your friends to pass you good moves using the 'yoghurt code' (see "Karpov v Korchnoi, 1978") and couldn't get the hang of it?

Why not try our idiot-proof move digestives! Every possible move combination is lovingly and discretely hand-stamped onto the surface of it's own unique biscuit. Only a complete moron or a sloppy dunker could fail!

Also available on giant cookies in descriptive notation.

Want to really spook your opponents?

Try our new range of pre-packaged dead flies! Based on an idea tried during Fischer v Spassky, 1972, where two were secreted in a light fitting.

Fly handling theory has taken great strides forward since then, and our presentation case also includes the acclaimed book "Insect corpse distribution for Grandmasters" by dead insect specialist Armando Friedriche. Here's an extract...

"yes, flies in a light socket are all very well, but they're easily ignored and cause no direct discomfort. How much more disturbing if you simply slip them into your opponent's drink or sandwich when he goes for a walk!"

Definition: A 'lip' is when you have lost big time and your bottom lip is sticking out. It refers to a state of childish sulkiness after losing a game.

Pawnpusher is now proud to unveil 'Lip Nanny Pro', which plugs into most online chess server software.

When you play someone online and beat them, and they start saying "I was winning that" or "you were lucky" or "I would have won but my flag fell", 'Lip Nanny Pro' steps in and filters out all these whining messages.

The software is programmed to recognise people feeling sorry for themselves, or calling you a cheat, in 16 different langauges.